...on a peg leg with an eye patch and a hook.
Pirate, brandishing his hook: “Avast, ye lubbers! Gangway!” He throws a gold piece on the bar with his good hand – “'ere’s a doubloon, gimme yer best rum!”
Bartender: “You must have a lot of tales to tell”
Pirate: “Aaarrrr! We boarded a ship, and they fought us wiv cutlasses. I skewered the Cap’n, ran ’im right through, but me sword got stuck in ’is gizzard, and with ’is last breath, ’e chopped off me hand! We torched th’ship, and our blacksmith melted down his sword and made me a hook.”
Bartender: “What about the peg leg?”
Pirate: “That was the time we seized a cargo o’rum off Jamaica – an we were celebratin’ I had a few, and then a few more, started dancing a jig and fell off the ship. As me crew pulled me up, a shark chewed me foot off, so I got a peg leg.”